Worship

The worship experience is trying.
It is quite a struggle to be a participant after having been a leader; difficult to read a text without examining it; distracting, to hear the Word proclaimed while having my mind craft its own sermon; but mostly, depressing, as I am constantly reminded of what I used to do.
And that reminds me of what I have done to put me in this position.
It is impossible to turn it all off and just 'worship.'

I purposefully arrive a few minutes after worship begins, and when it is over I quickly exit any side door I can find. I do not want anyone to look at me...to see the shame, embarrassment and sadness in my face.
The music is the only thing reaching me right now. The confession is darkness, the creed empty, the prayers unfocused.
But there is the Word and the way it still touches me. And the sacrament...my only tangible way to hang on to the Christ who comforts me.
While Sunday is always the worst day of the week...because I am so brutally reminded of it all...it is still the Christ who comforts me...
Who draws me to himself...in His house of worship.